snapped this while driving to work one day
thought it was fuckin awesome and hilarious


I hate that fucking verizon FIOS kid

For the love of God, please take this creepy fucking pumpkin-headed Chucky-doll little shit off the air. Whatever casting director or advertising exec thought he was "cute" or "endearing" needs to be bludgeoned to death. If there's one thing I hate in advertising (aside from those pompous Apple commercials of late -- rant soon to come), it's precocious little fuckwads hocking a product with their over saturated vomit-inducing "cute innocence." This little monster is about the worst thing to come along in this department since that freakish troll who did the Pepsi ads years ago. Thank Christ she fell off the face of the earth.

I fail to see anything remotely cute about this kid. He is incredibly creepy, and outright retarded looking, with his special-needs bowl cut that calls even more attention (if it were possible) to his giant misshapen football head.

Actually, you know what he looks like, he looks like fucking Gollum from LOTR. Why would you want that freak selling your product?

As long as I'm ranting about this horrible ad campaign, here's another thing. Why the fuck has that Verizon technician been installing the same thing in this family's home for the better part of a year? Exactly how goddamn long does it take to set up FIOS? What the FUCK is "true quam" anyways!? Good lord I hate these commercials. If that douchenozzle was hanging about my house for THAT long, spending entirely too much time talking with my fuck-ugly kid, I would call the cops on the pederast right quick.

I digress -- my point is, get rid of this demon-child, standing around with that stupid look of confusion on his fat little creepy face. I really hope this is his only line of major commercials.

I'm guessing that the people who were market-tested as liking these commercials are the same tardbags who keep the Family Circus in print, which also centers around fat-headed mentally challenged little bastards.


Survey Proves What All of Us Have Known for Years

Coming under the heading of "I could've told you that..." a recent survey has found Philadelphia to be the most unattractive city in the US.

Full "story" here:

Somewhat surprisingly to me, DC came in second. Frankly I think there's a LOT of hot chicks around here (albeit all conceited whores). I guess it's the disproportionate amount of hideous politicians that set us back.


Local Baby Declared TEH WINNAR!

My friend alerted me to a hilarious news headline this morning:

Two years after US soldier's death, widow has his son

and no, it wasn't from The Onion.
There is something quite obviously wrong with that statement. After reading the actual story it wasn't nearly as funny as I had hoped -- it had to do with artificial insemination. This brings me to my real point:
I don't mean to diss the grieving widow of a soldier, but come on lady, what's wrong with you? You are essentially forcing your child to grow up without a father -- and you had a choice about it!
It's one thing if you were already pregnant and dad goes off and dies unexpectedly, but for him to die, and THEN you decide to impregnate yourself with his kid? What the fuck? I really fail to see how that honors him.

Anyways, after seeing the picture that accompanied the article, I came up with a more appropriate headline (which is what the title of this post is). Apparently this mongoloid baby is the spitting image of his dad too... yeesh... poor guy.


This woman is freakin awesome

This might be the first non-rant in my blog. I thought I could break format for a bit to give this woman more deserved accolades. Thankyou Mona for doing what so many of us feel like doing all the time.
Read the article here
(note: you might have to sign up to washingtonpost.com to read the full thing)

Who says senior citizens are useless? (well...I have on a couple occasions, but that's besides the point)

The only thing I can add is it would've been even more awesome if she went Oldboy on their asses. But then I guess she might be doing hard time, which would really suck for an old lady.

Between this and Wii, old people are kickin ass lately!

Someone actually gets paid for this crap?

Is it just me or have company slogans been getting stupider? Take for example Radio Shack's latest work of genius:
"Do Stuff."
What the HELL is that? Do I even have to explain how incredibly moronic that is? The scariest part is they probably paid some big advertising firm thousands of dollars to come up with it. The only excuse I could think of is that maybe they were trying to rip off something in the style of Nike's "Just Do It," but they failed miserably. In my mind, Radio Shack is about the lowest level electronics store anyways, but this slogan just brings them down to a whole new level of mind-boggling inanity. On their advertisements, this slogan is denoted as a Service Mark (SM). After reading the definition of an SM this makes no sense to me, as I would hardly consider the pseudo-sentence-fragment "Do Stuff" to be a service. Just the idea of trademarking such a stupid and basic phrase makes me want to punch somebody. Maybe this low level of brain-drudgery appeals to the morons who actually do things like buy cell phone plans at Radio Shack and are somehow duped into getting a sales commission for one of the sweaty Gil-esque salesdorks.

Family Guy sucks ass, addendum

I was elated to find out that someone else hates the bowel churning circus of feces that Family Guy has become. In an October issue of The Onion, Amelie Gillette (better known as "The Hater") writes (much more eloquently than my frustrated ramblings I might add):

Stop letting Family Guy do whatever it wants, especially when that means an hourlong Star Wars parody...
...[you shouldn't] just let Family Guy run all over the network with its pointless pop-culture non sequiturs and parodies that are at least 30 years too late. Honestly, a Star Wars parody? That's 60 minutes long? And contains a Grey Poupon reference/non-joke? Please put an end to this before American Dad is allowed to run a two-hour satire of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video that also contains a recreation of the "I can't believe I ate the whole thing!" Alka Seltzer commercial from 20 years ago for no reason.

well put
avclub.com/thehater for more gold


fuck you nVidia

Why the fuck do you jackasses have to keep changing the control panel interface in subsequent driver releases?! WHY!?!!?!? What the fuck is wrong with you? Nobody anywhere likes the changes! They all want it to look and function the old way. Do you assholes ever look at your forums? They are full of people who don't like it.

I don't see the point of oversimplifying and making a restrictive interface. The only people who are going to be tinkering with it are the ones who are very knowledgeable about computers and probably built their own machines. So there is no goddamned point in having an interface like that. The only point would be if the layman was doing those things, which they aren't.

Here's why I'm so mad: I have a graphics card that came factory overclocked (don't buy XFX cards, they blow). Unfortunately, this causes mad issues with games (ie, my computer fucking crashes to restart). After a while, my friend let me in on a fix to this. You get this thing called CoolBits, and it adds information to your registry that lets you adjust the clock settings from the nVidia control panel. Except now that they've completely changed the control panel, guess what, I can't fucking do that anymore! So now, of course, the crashes have started again. I have to choose between having the latest drivers and living with constant crashes, or rolling back the driver and not having any crashes. I think I'm going to roll back the driver. Eat shit nVidia. Stop fucking with stuff that doesn't need to be fucked with!

ps: your stupid nTune app fucking sucks. It claims that it will let me change the clock speeds on the card. Well I guess you didn't bother to fucking update it with the new CP interface, because all it does is take me to the CP page for the 3D app settings. NOT WHAT I WANTED! It doesn't do ANYTHING!


Something Is Rotten In the City of Arlington

Every night for the past week or so, there has been a foul stench in the air in Arlington, Virginia. It is distinctly the smell of sewage. So, does Arlington have a sewage problem? The curious thing is that the smell only arises at night. Last night it was particularly foul.

I realize this is my second post in a week about malodorous scents. Before you start thinking that I'm just some oversensitive assbag, I did confirm this with my coworker who also lives in Arlington. He too has smelled an overpowering sewage stench hanging in the air recently.

So what the deal is?
I'm gonna see if I can find anything on the Arlington County website, cause this has to stop. It's plenty cool out so I leave my windows open at night, but then the terrible smell wafts on it.


I've officially given up on Family Guy

Yep, you heard me. I can't stands no mores!
Family Guy is officially an unwatchable pile of shit.
It's sad really -- it took the Simpsons at least twice as long to go sour.

Yes, the last season was pretty terrible. I'm sure if I paid attention to whatever Family Guy dork forums are out there, I'd hear similar gripings to mine. But I figured what the hell, I'll give it one last shot.

I regretted that decision immediately. What in holy hell was that Star Wars BS for the season premier? They didn't even parody Star Wars really (yeah like that hasn't been done a million times anyways). They just re-did all of A New Hope, only animated and with Family Guy characters.

Tonight's episode was even more unbearable. I think the only time I laughed was when Peter put on his Donald Duck "costume." Even that was a bit forced. More and more when I watch, I find myself saying "What the HELL is this? For Christ's sake, somebody throw a freakin pie!" I just watch it, dumbfounded and stricken with horror at what complete un-enjoyable mess the show has become. Will somebody please tell Seth MacFarlane, or whatever poor bastard is writing the show now, that the constant "jokes" that take 5 long painful deadpan minutes to tell (ie, Chris and the store clerk talking about movies -- omg a Clerks reference AHA AHAHAHAHAHA OMG MAKE IT STOP) and hammer blatantly into the ground are NOT FUNNY and make the show PAINFUL to watch? Do they even care?

Maybe their popularity on Adult Swim has gone to their heads. Maybe now they are just catering the shows to whatever tardbags think Squidbillies and 12 oz Mouse are funny.

I don't know, I really don't. I think the whole cartoons for adults thing has most definitely imploded and destroyed everything remotely funny on it's way to oblivion.

The only good thing to come out of tonight's episode was the dropping of the horrible Gillian character played by drew fat whorebag berrymore. Jesus god that character was such a horrible abomination. Now if they'd only get rid of the old peg leg pirate guy who stopped being funny the second time he appeared. And what the hell, why is the old pedophile neighbor guy a regular character now? I hate to bring up the Simpsons comparison again, but they didn't start basing episodes around one-liner gag characters (Gil) until season freaking 18!

I got so weirded out by the horribleness of tonight's Family Guy that I changed the channel half way through to watch Ken Burns' "The War." That's how freaking bad it was!

I once compared the now terrible Simpsons episodes to a person you've been friends with for a while -- but then that person goes and makes a complete ass out of themselves, and you feel embarrassed for ever having known them. Family Guy is most certainly that friend now. Except pretend that this "friend" also ran over your dog and raped your sister.


question #2

This isn't so much a serious question, I just hate riding the metro.
So uh, why does the Metro ALWAYS smell like a combination of burning plastic and feces? Are there always people smoking crack and smearing shit on the walls down there when I'm not looking?
It's the worst on really hot days. For obvious reasons, yes -- but also because they sometimes have these huge fans set up blowing towards the gates. Their hearts are in the right spot, but what it amounts to is you getting a face-full of the foulest smelling air outside of a rendering plant.


question 1

Does anybody know what the hell the deal is with double zippers? I wore one of my jackets today since it's freezing in the mornings now, and it has one of them doohickies on it. For those of you confused as to what I'm talking about here's a picture:

It's the most useless thing in the universe. You can unzip your jacket from bottom to top -- oh boy! I've always needed to do that!
I've never in my life seen anyone wearing a jacket or coat in that manner. So what the hell are these things for? I'd look like a jackass with my jacket zipped halfway up from the bottom, plus I'd be cold, thereby defeating the purpose of wearing a jacket.
The only thing they serve to do is to make it a pain in the ass to zip up your jacket. That's it.
I have another jacket with a single zipper on it. Guess what, it works great! It's a fantastic system!
But my double zipper jacket has nothing but problems when it comes to zipping up.


About this "Jena 6" nonsense

So, I've gotten wind of this Jena 6 crap that's been plaguing all forms of media of late. I think the whole situation is pretty goddamn stupid and I don't understand why so many people are up in arms about it.

The way I understand the situation (and please correct me if I'm wrong), is that at some jerkwater high school in Louisiana, some black kid sat under a tree where white kids normally sit (wow! what a rebel! I sure am glad I don't live in the goddamn stupid boring south where stuff like this is newsworthy). So then the stupid hick white kids get mad about that and, as a clearly well-thought-out "prank," they string a bunch of nooses on the tree. So then later on, six black kids beat the living crap out of one white kid (I'm guessing he was one of the kids who carried out the noose prank?). The black kids are charged with attempted murder, which has since been reduced to assault and battery.

So what the fuck is the big deal? Why are black people so goddamn outraged over this? I understand them being outraged over the noose "prank," but why the hell are they outraged over people being punished for a brutal crime? I guess the attempted murder charge was overblown, but it's been reduced, so why doesn't everyone stop whining?

The way I see it is, if six guys beat the shit out of ONE other guy, then those six guys should be sent to jail. End of goddamn story. Who gives a crap what races are involved?

Also, sure the noose deally can be classified as a hate crime, but then, isn't six black guys beating a white guy for racially motivated reasons also a hate crime -- and a worse one at that? What, are only white people capable of being racist or something? In my opinion, retaliating to a hate crime in such a manner makes you no better than the bigots on the other side of the issue.

So why the hell is everyone defending these morons? If six white guys beat the crap out of a black guy, I don't think white people everywhere would be going apeshit trying to defend the white assaulter's. In fact, the only way I could understand black people being outraged is if it were that six white guys beat up a black guy and the white guys WEREN'T being punished for it.
Where is the issue here?
Am I just completely missing something, or is it more likely that everyone is a goddamn moron and once again black people are making themselves look like idiots by defending someone *cough* OJ *cough* who doesn't need to be defended?

Don't get me wrong, I mean, I saw the picture of the douchebag who got beaten up. Anybody who looks like that probably deserves a good beating. But come on, hasn't this whole thing gotten a bit out of hand? I mean, giant protest rallies being organized at colleges across the US? Don't we have more important crap to be worried about? Like, oh, I dunno, the possibility of us invading Iran while having two concurrent uncontrollable wars going on already?


Ok, so forget the "where's Hitler" thing. As predicted, I have not even attempted to come up with another one or maintain the project whatsoever. It was a one-off.

Maybe I should just start posting pictures of people dancing badly...


Where's Hitler?

I think I'm going to start a knockoff of "Where's Waldo." A photo in today's Washington Post inspired me.
Here's episode number one:

Did you find him?

This of course all hinges on me being able to find crowd shots with people who look like Hitler on a weekly basis.
I will post the answer key soon!


what the flying fudge?

So I'm on the email list for Allmediaoutlet.com. They are a pretty good website that has deals on bulk storage media for computers (and related accessories).

Today I get an email from them listing their various deals. At the bottom I find this:

ON SALE! Japanese Hand Forged Zatoichi Style Straight Katana Sword
Only A Limited Time
Lowest Price at the Market
$100.00 Each with Free Ground Shipping
,Coupon Code: AFD>

Does anyone else find this to be REALLY FREAKIN WIERD?
  1. Why is a bulk-media outlet selling katanas?
  2. How are they selling "hand made katanas" for only $100?
  3. what the hell?
Here's their full product link, which also contains a link to a video of the swords being hand made.

Man....maybe I should get one! This must be some fluke


Dear Comcast, You Suck

...but I guess you don't care about customer dissatisfaction, do you? Of course not, you have a monopoly on Cable services in Arlington. Screw you!

My girlfriend just got that Comcast Triple-Play load of BS for her new apartment.
One of the many unexplained mysteries: Why is she paying for DIGITAL cable when we can't get any of the DIGITAL channels? When we first got there and stuck the coaxial into the TV, before having the cable guy come by and "install" the cable, we got all the regular cable channels already. So what the hell does this digital BS do? Give you a better cable signal? No, I don't think so. Every 15-20 minutes or so of viewing (no matter the channel) there is a "glitch." The picture becomes corrupted for a few seconds and the audio goes out. This happened at the last apartment too, with the included cable, so I'm pretty sure it's just a problem with Comcast as a whole.

Next on the agenda: Comcast HD. I don't have any problems with this initially. It looks fuckin' fantastic -- that is, when it works.
So my girlfriend decided to throw in the Comcast HD package to her services. It's only $5 extra month or something, so that's a pretty good deal, so why not, right? We both have some favorite shows on the network channels that broadcast in HD, so it works out nice for us. Only thing is, the constant "glitches." Seems HD is not free of the crappy signal either. These are even worse than the normal glitches though, because they happen about every 5 minutes. Sometimes less. Usually the picture stays fine, which is all nice, but the audio goes out. Just gone. Sometimes you miss several lines of dialog. WTF!?
We've actually ended up going back to regular cable to watch the shows because the amount of glitches is so obscene on the HD channels. So what's the point in that?

Hi-speed internet eh? Let me tell you, last night when I was using it, high-speed was not the phrase that came to mind. I was thinking more along the lines of "goddamnfuckingshitwhywontanypagesload." I get faster speed on this shared piece of crap line in my office. Not only that, but the cable modem they gave us is aparently a faulty piece of garbage. Every time you shut down the computer and then turn it back on later, the internet goes out. I have to reset the modem each time. God help me if I want to set up a router on it so we can have wireless.

Oh and to get some help and fix any of these issues, we have to get about 5 different guys on different days at different times to come out. Apparently Comcast doesn't train their techs in all aspects of the installations. They only train one person in one tiny specified area. Thanks jerks.

edit: I just realized that the template graphics for this blog look like the comcast triple-play logo. bah!


Random thought

So, I think that the amount of water I waste to wash out this microwave dinner container so I can recycle it, and the paper towel used to dry it, more than outweighs any good I'm doing by actually recycling it.

stupid office shit tuesday may first

Me: so according to the old hag who fiercely monitors the hallways, it would be a safety risk if I used the microwave in the room that it's now sitting in because there is no goddamn kitchen
Coworker: what the hell?
Coworker: i didnt know there was a hall monitor
Coworker: and how is that a safety risk
Me: i think shes self appointed
Me: I have no idea
Coworker: good for her. crazy bitch
Me: so I had to walk 3 miles down the hall to the other mystery breakroom that has one of those crappy microwaves that doesnt rotate
Me: so now one half of my food is cold
Coworker: you should have just used the microwave anyway
Me: she kicked me out of the room and locked the door
Coworker: what the hell?
Me: and she seemed pretty upset that I was even considering doing it
Me: she also yelled at some other lady who works here who apparently went into that room to get a cup
Coworker: where is the microwave now anyway
Coworker: and is that her office or something?
Me: i dont know
Me: it's now on the floor in an empty room next to the room they are building the new kitchen in
Me: I dont know why they didnt just bring it out into the lobby with the goddamn soda machine
Coworker: that is weird and retarded
Me: or leave it in the same room' that the refrigerator is still in
Me: also they apparently threw out all the forks and spoons
Coworker: shit
Me: good news is the other kitchen had a pepper shaker
Me: that i stoke
Me: stole
Coworker: sweet


people can't drive for shit

When it's pouring rain outside, and you can barely see the car in front of you, please for the love of god turn your fucking lights on you stupid fucking goddamn morons!
people who neglect to do that should be pulled over and severely beaten.

That is all


First post evar

I think this speaks for itself.